Life Going On...

I've been looking at schools for the past few weeks, with a view to learn a skill that will get me some kind of paying employment. So far I've seen hair design/cosmetology schools, culinary schools, community college programs in interior design, graphic design, and the like, and last of all art schools with similar programs. A lot of what I run into is that many of the design and career programs in these schools want me to get a BA or BFA degree, which I have zero interest in doing. I want to learn something and go do it, and not be bogged down with extraneous classes that someone else has decided I need to take to be "well rounded." I hated that kind of thing in my twenties, and I am unwilling to put up with it now. I've been leaning strongly toward baking and pastry, which is a science and an art. It could be cool, making beautiful loaves of bread early in the morning...

Yesterday, at my husband's insistence, I went over to the Oregon College of Arts and Crafts for a look around. They offer several programs, including a 3-year studio-based Certificate program, which is all about developing and improving studio skills, and a minimum of other kinds of classes. It was a big mistake to go there, and I regret it intensely. If ever there were a perfect place and learning environment for me, Oregon College of Art and Craft would be it. They not only have all the different fields, and all their associated toys equipment, they strongly encourage learning at least something about pretty much everything. When I told the admissions person that I had a hard time limiting myself to just one thing, and that I thought all media could fit together, she said, "You've just stated the philosophy of this school." *Sigh...* Art school is wrong, and impractical, and way, way, WAY too expensive. At the end of it, I'd be an independent artist, with a huge debt, and right now I'm an artist with much less debt. It would allow me to really explore my options in fiber, metals, design, photography, and more, if I wanted to check out woods, ceramics, or book arts, or even blacksmithing. The class sizes are very small, which ideally suits my learning style. And they teach textile design! Art school would help me to get that professional finish on my work that I so want to achieve, and will connect me up with galleries and the like. I went over there hoping to hate the place, and that's impossible -- it is an absolutely beautiful campus and very, very well equipped with pretty much everything you'd need to learn whatever you're interested in learning. The people who work there and go to school there love it. You know how it is when you arrive at a place that is just right and you know you belong there... ? My heart is completely broken. There is NO MONEY FOR THIS, nor will there ever be.

I'm now working on May BJP page, which I'll finish tonight or tomorrow. It's been going okay, fitting it in between other events and paying work. I hope to retro-fit March in pretty soon.

I have to find some way to come up with a house payment and payment for some bills, after emergency ($$) denti$try for Tom and emergency vet visit for Emily Cat ($$) this week, and my getting a pass to the Summit of Awesome conference before the other two things occurred... We're in yet another state of dire financial suspense, wondering about where the house payment will come from, etc., and I'm thinking about a 3-year, full time arts program against all common sense. It is time for fear and panic, if anything, and yet I'm feeling kind of... bubbly and relaxed today. Maybe I've lost all my grip on reality, or I'm just living up to my potential for irresponsibility.

Beginning...

It's another no sleep night. But it's warm and the cats have stopped arguing, and I'm wanting to take out some beads and do something with them. My blank piece of cloth with the 3" x 3" square marked on it is lurking next to the printer, and I'm feeling restless in that way I get when it's time to do artwork -- even if that time is nearly 5am and I'm starting to see things blurry. I think a lot of things will get clearer in my mind while I work on something. Looking through the latest issue of Beadwork, which is 98% necklaces, earrings, and bracelets and not much embroidery, inspires me, mainly, I think, with color and materials choices. That kind of got me thinking about beading a piece right about now, and I started looking through reference books, and now I'm looking at that empty piece of cloth...

I'm at that place where I'm restless and wakeful, just on the point of starting something new, but not ready, quite, to place that first bead, take that first stitch. It's an interesting and jittery place to be, kind of exciting, kind of hesitant, very familiar. Tom and I had planned to go out Sunday, but that was before I paid the bills. I'll take that time we would have gone out to work on art. But I'll set up my beginning now, before I sleep, clearing space, pulling out colors I may or may not use, picking out stones, or charms, or random pieces of whatever I come across in my storage drawers. I'll pick something up, and sew it down. Maybe I'll still like it there tomorrow, and maybe not, but I will have started a new piece, at last.

April BJP

I'm still working on March, but here's April. Usually I go for the deep, intense colors, and this time I found myself using lighter colored beads, and watch parts. And again, I'm not sure whether this is actually the right way up. It's always subject to change without notice. In some way, this is all about my birthday -- the actual day of my birth, not the anniversary. This isn't something I generally give much thought to, and I don't even celebrate my birthdate at all, but I've been having to look at life and death lately, so this idea came up as I worked. I'm not sure what I'm trying to tell myself right now, though. This piece was enjoyable to work on throughout, which is different. Usually I really dislike a piece as I work through the middle part, and may not warm to it until it's all finished. I think that the colors refreshed me. :- )

I'm almost afraid to write that things may be settling down around here... Just in case they really haven't...! The days are getting warmer, and my husband and I are enjoying being out on our front porch again, now cleared of rubble and boxed trash, and it's 7:30pm and the sun is still out. Calm is definitely good, and just what we have been needing, even though we have only had a few days of it.

Tonight I'll be working in on either March or April BJP, depending on where the beads take it (it's undecided at this point and could go anywhere), and that is making me feel happy. I'm also going to start a small jewelry project with some watch parts and see where that goes. Up until now there has been just too much catching up to do, and I'm longing for more art in my life.

Meanwhile, life goes on. It is still and always a refreshing relief to pull up into our driveway and not have Kevin's ugly, decrepit van and pile of trash there. And we'll be ever perplexed about Jiji/Irene and her suicide. I'm pretty sure that unless you have been there (and I have not), there is no understanding it, and maybe not even then, since we all do things for very different reasons. The pieces will never all fit together, but it is still a source of speculation and probably will be for some time.

Pretty soon I'll whip up some spaghetti for our dinner, and/or feed the cats. If it stays warm enough, we'll eat out on the porch.

Suicide: It is Not Painless, But It Does Cause Many Changes

Someone I did not like, a former friend, Jiji McClintock, known also by her previous name, Irene Kerth, killed herself Tuesday, March 16, by jumping off a very picturesque bridge in my neighborhood, the St. Johns Bridge. Google it -- it is really a lovely bridge. She did this around 6pm, knowing, I guess, that someone would see her. She left 3 cats, a frog, and an apartment full of junk. I hope she made the right decision, because there are no do overs after you smack into that hard, hard river.

How I found this out was that the county Medical Examiner called here for Tom, on behalf of Jiji's not-quite-ex-husband, Jon. Of course, Tom was out of town, and wasn't due back until Wednesday, the 17th. Her car had to be claimed or it would be impounded with much trouble and expense. So, off I went, with my step-brother, Kevin, to pick up the car. He was all worried and paranoid about it being a police matter but, really, they could not have been more indifferent to the whole thing. The car now sits in our driveway. Tom's in shock, Jon's in shock, especially since this divorce was full of ugliness. There was harassment, I guess, and general unwillingness to cooperate.

I went over to her place to check on her animals, 3 cats and a frog, who were all okay, but lonely and wondering what was going on. I made sure the cats were safe, cleaned their box, checked on water, fed the frog, who was ravenous.

Jiji's suicide note, generally blaming Jon, her not-quite-yet ex-husband, was left on her bed alongside an unsigned Will. I assume that signed copies were mailed to the heirs. She said that she lied to everyone and had planned this for some time because her heart, spirit, trust, and dreams had been broken and would never mend. She was going to a therapist, according to her LJ blog entries. She may have had cancer, and chose to do nothing about it for lack of money, though her insurance was still good till the end of this month. She left short messages for people, including Tom. Including me. Her message to me was not kind, but it was what she saw and believed about me. In it she said I have a big heart and great strength, but was angry and bitter (well, that is true sometimes), jealous, fearful of the unknown, and that I'm lonely and friendless because of it. And that's what drove her away. Maybe, maybe not. I don't feel particularly lonely. Her last sentence tells me to get help and stop tormenting Tom with my insanity. Well, there you go. From my viewpoint, the emotional blackmail I experienced from her, and the fact that she stole a bunch of money from Kevin, is why I cut her out of my life. She left a very sweet and personal message to Tom, which I will not quote here because it is for him, but her last sentence to him is, "I love you." She had some really lovely things, and some really nasty things to say to other folks, who I don't know.

I wasn't sure what would happen next, other than get in touch with Jon in the morning, go make sure the cats were okay, maybe talk to the landlord if he was there. I had planned to bring the cats and froggie here, but they were better where they felt safe, at least for the time being. In fact, a young woman who is experienced in animal rescue came and took the cats up to Seattle with her. Jon will take the frog. There will be a lot of packing, shipping, loading, whatever in the next couple weeks, and maybe I'll be able to avoid some of that... But I guess the apartment has to be vacant by April 1st.

And I'm not really sure how I feel about this. Monday night I was thinking that I know someone that I don't like (Jiji) who may be seriously ill, and how did I feel about that? I came up kind of blank. And that's where I am right now. Kind of blank. She made this decision, carried it through, and there's quite a mess left behind to be picked up, as I guess there always is when something like this happens. I sure wish she'd left a contact list somewhere with the Will and final note, so I could get word out to them, especially to the adoptive mother of her daughter, who really needs to know about this, and how to tell the daughter, who is presently under care in a mental hospital. This will be really hard on them. And I know it's really hard on Tom. But me... just blank. I'll be percolating it for some time, I think.

Sometimes suicide is the right choice, despite the advice of all the experts, and I hope this one was the right choice. Sometimes we think to do this and don't. Sometimes we try it out because we just want the pain/fear/desperation to go away. This is conjecture on my part. I've never been there. If any of you make this decision, PLEASE think of the people you leave behind and leave them clues how to reach each other, and what to do next. Think of your animal friends and make some real provisions for them before you step out into the big nothing. They can't speak for themselves and the law considers them just property to be disposed of. If you won't change your mind, remember the ones who care for you, who will have to clean up after you, and make it a little easier on them.

Most of this week has been spent helping to sort out Jiji's effects, make sure things are put aside for people named in her Will, getting the cats all squared away and taken care of, retrieving furniture we loaned to her, and things like that. I've met some of her friends, which has been very enlightening. This whole last year she pushed a lot of people away from her, it turns out. Some of them saw the craziness long before Tom did.

Since we had ended our friendship most definitely, it's quite ironic that here I am, having to do all this stuff for/with her estate. Somewhere, if there's a somewhere, she's getting a laugh out of that. I can not understand the decision she made to end her life, but I respect it.

Since then, I threw my step-brother, Kevin, out of our driveway and out of our lives. This was a long time coming, and good riddance to a load of trash. What got me angry was that he stole a Wii game system from Jiji's house after she died. What made me throw him out was his self-righteous refusal to return it, insisting that he was "owed" and only he was important here. I pointed out that he was, in fact, stealing from Jiji's daughter, a young woman currently in a boarding school for troubled youth. And also, he owes Tom and I way more than Jiji took and has never once looked for work or made any attempt to pay us back, or even pay token rent. He always had plenty of money to buy his cigarettes, though. There was quite an intense fight, that nearly got physically violent because I was so furious. I finally threw his full ashtry all over him and his stuff in the van, he tossed silverware and jars of peanut butter and old cans out into the yard. There was a lot of yelling, swearing, and general invective. I got the house key back, cut off his power, handed back his iPod, and that afternoon (Wednesday, just before Tom got back from Detroit) he got someone or other to haul him and his ratty van the hell away from here. I told him he could call to arrange to pick up the rest of his huge pile of stuff. THE END. I feel like I just lost 135 lbs of useless flab in an instant. Because I did.

Some major changes have taken place in my life just now, some perplexing and tragic, some very positive. My emotions have been, and still are, all over the place, but I'm sure that's normal and a good thing.

March BJP may be late, but I have a lot to think about and more to do right now. I'm hoping for a long stretch of boring, uneventful days and months ahead, but I do not see anything like that coming. I'm buckling my seatbelt for that bumpy ride ahead.

And now... back to work.

February BJP

I've been finished for a few days, actually, but just now finally photographed it. It's called Toxic Runoff, and is about all the emotions and events that sometimes send me into overwhelm, at least momentarily. I wanted to go back to a very simple technique, using only size 11 and 10 beads to tell this complicated story. In pictures of actual runoff, the chemicals can be quite striking and even beautiful with unexpected colors and flow, but they are actually poison. That's what I was trying to get at with the different bead colors. Even in the midst of this, though, there are still some clear and unpolluted parts, as indicated by the bright silver beads, symbolizing a small sections of clear and calm thinking among the runaway emotions. February was a more "interesting" month that I wanted. :- ) I'll be starting in on March soon, which, so far, has been much calmer.

It's Ramon!

This is just a random shot, and not in perfect focus, but it catches his general attitude perfectly. There he is on the bathroom cabinet, where he is not supposed to be. Click the image to see a giant, soft focus cat.

I'm working away on my February BJP, and will be done this week, I believe. But right now... I only got 5 hours sleep because I stayed up so late last night beading. Time to crash.