My Bead Journal

I'm Going to Just Say "No" to 2012

2011-11-21T15:54:00.000-08:00

I'm not signing up for BJP 2012. All this year I did exactly ONE PIECE. When and if my life ever gets straightened out (unlikely, the way I'm living it) I'll maybe drop back in at some point. I wish everyone well who is (or is not) continuing on with this, and thanks for the support and continued inspiration.

Much To My Surprise...

2011-07-21T18:59:00.001-07:00

Meditation On the Key to Time

This is the one and only beading I've worked on and finished this year so far. Too much life, not enough time. But somehow, here it is, all done. Will I do more? Sure! But no guarantees.

I worked with wire and found object on this one, and, although it waited for weeks and months for me to get back to it, it seems to have turned out okay.

2011-05-21T21:58:00.001-07:00

After a little over two months, we were able to get the money to cover the sewer pipe repair. Then, two weeks later, yesterday happened. I believe I may be cursed.

Yesterday was Hell Day, and no Rapture afterwards, at least not so far.

I spent the day in the Providence Hospital E.R. (that place we can't pay for), after the ambulance ride (the one we can't pay for), answering questions, getting a CAT scan to make sure it wasn't appendicitis (that we can't pay for), and waiting around generally. They are much better at covering patient's concerns at Providence, and they take "NO!" for an answer, unlike the money-grabbing Legacy Emanuel. But they will want their money, and we do not have it.

What happened was this: I went to bed at about 6am, then at 10 woke up with intense abdominal pain. There was throwing up. I lost a lot of fluids. Things didn't get any better, and by about 2, Tom convinced me that I had to go in. I was too weak to drive, and Tom doesn't drive, so it had to be 911.

Turned out that it was another goddamn kidney stone, but at least at Providence they let you know it can be an outpatient procedure. They gave me a whole bunch of Rxs which I'm not going to fill, and a strainer to pee through when the stone passes, if it does. At about 8pmish we got home (cab - I didn't see going on the busses in the cold, in my jammies, plus I was still all weak and stuff) and I tried to watch the Supernatural season finale, but mostly watched the inside of my eyelids. I slept all night through, and more, and feel much stronger today. The pain is pretty much gone.

I should have stayed home. I don't have any idea how many thousands of dollars this will amount to, I only know that we don't have it, and have no chance to get it. The bills will be arriving soon, and then the phone calls, and the hits to our credit. My life sucks now. The only way to pay this is not to pay the house payments and other bills. We are always told, "You make too much to qualify for aid. Too bad, you just fell through the cracks. Somebody should really do something about that."

The thing that scares me the most isn't losing the house and everything, it's what happens to the cats?

We'll get the bills sooner than later (they NEVER will just coordinate the billings and send them to you in one package), and then... Well, I'm not sure there IS an "and then..." that's in any way livable. We'll see. I'm supposed to consult a specialist on Monday, but those guys won't see you if you don't have the $, so whatever happens, I may have to just tough it out.

I'm so tired of all these hits. It seems like every time things start looking up, something else smacks me upside the head, like a depressing soap opera. I keep looking for something better, but it isn't there.

Anyway, no more beading for me for the duration. Have to concentrate on getting some money together.

Mr. Darcy

2011-03-07T02:43:00.000-08:00

This is a black & white photo I "tinted" with Photoshop. This is the kind of thing I do when I don't want to clean my studio.

The Fun Just Never Stops, or, If It Weren't For Bad Luck, I'd Have No Luck At All

2011-02-22T10:52:00.000-08:00

On Sunday evening, our basement drain backed up. Luckily our boxes had been elevated on plywood just enough to avoid damage. But it was a mess. Yesterday we rented a big plumbers' snake from Home Depot to try and clear the drain. It didn't work. We finally counted up our money and called a plumber in to see if a professional could solve our problems.

Bob the plumber came over at 5am, and for $80 he used his extra big plumber snake machine with the big blades on the end, and got nowhere, though he tried for about 2 hours. In fact it's worse now, the water won't drain at all, so we now have NO water use unless we want to flood the basement. NO dishes can be washed, NO flushing the toilet, NO washing hands -- NOTHING. I have no idea what we're going to do.

It turns out we have a break in our sewer line, or possibly a collapsed section. Fixing the line... requires excavation and replacement of some or all of the waste pipe. This is a 5 to 6 THOUSAND dollar job. Might as well be $5 or $6 million. What the fuck are we going to do? Maybe the city won't find out if we put in an outhouse, but it would be nice to wash up now and then.

We checked with homeowner's insurance and, no, there is no coverage for a broken waste pipe. Interestingly, there is some limited coverage for damage to the house from a broken waste pipe, but we had no damage. The break is right up near the house, too, so we can't get the city to cover it. Things look very grim.

Family Whining

2011-02-09T04:12:00.000-08:00

The topic of art and artists came up, and the amazing things that they do. My husband, Tom, spoke of how incredible it was when he was a younger man, starting out at Marvel and being able to actually watch his favorite artists working with pencils and ink on paper, drawing the line, laying out the panels... It was a wonderful thing to see, a fan's dream! There is nothing more fascinating and inspiring than watching an artist make something out of essentially nothing, pull things together, and have a piece of art where before there was just a blank spot or jumble of components.

My dad was an accomplished artist. He was a painter and teacher, and very good at what he did. His paintings, even the relatively early, tobacco-covered ones that I recovered from my mom's filthy dark hole of a house, are full of rich colors and images. Tom asked me what it was like to see him working, and I realized that I had NEVER seen him work, ever, ever. I never watched him set up a palette, mix colors, lay out a composition, put a brush to board or canvas. NEVER. I was not welcome to do so. For whatever reason, I'd never even given that a thought before. It was just my life, I guess. Realizing this was like a broken cinder block smacking me in the face. I think I once watched him doodle out a sketch in No. 2 pencil on the back of an envelope somewhere. That's it. I never got the chance to see my dad actually being an artist. I only saw things in progress not being worked on, or finished paintings occasionally. Maybe he didn't like being watched, maybe it was just me, maybe it was something I'm not considering. But wow, I dearly wish I could have watched him make those paintings...

Ehh... The fact that my family sucked is really no surprise. It just hit me weird today, I guess.

December 2010 BJP

2011-01-13T15:34:00.001-08:00

Here's my December page, finished at last. I am happy to see 2010 fly away. Now I only have September 2010 to go for last year, though I am already working on January 2011.

October BJP

2011-01-03T20:42:00.001-08:00

This is kind of a grim piece, really, in keeping with Halloween. The coppery squiggle is like a lock of hair floating on water, and the red beads could be splashing drops of blood. The stars are reflections. So it could be a scene about violence/horror. You may see something else there, and, as always, the interpretation is up to the viewer.

With October done, this leaves Sept. and Dec. for 2010, and I really do intend to finish them, and start in on 2011, as well. I'm about half-way through with one of them, and thinking up ideas for the other.

2010... And Welcome To It

2011-01-01T23:42:00.000-08:00

Not a good year, I’d say. I learned a lot of lessons about people (they will turn on you in a split second if it suits their personal interests), trust (NEVER AGAIN), money (the only thing that has any real meaning in the world), and dreams (better off without ‘em). It has been enlightening.

2010 was one of my worst health years ever, and spent too much time not doing much because of that.

This was our very tightest financial year ever, due to a major client not delivering on promised work and my not finding a job.

Work came and went for Tom. Not a lot came or went for me.

A friend of Tom’s, who he’d known for 35 years, killed herself by stepping off the nearby St. Johns Bridge.

We had to say “goodbye” to our wonderful friend, Bruno in late autumn. I look for him every day still.

I got rid of my lying piece-of-shit step-brother (he was living in his broken-down VW van in our driveway) the day after Tom’s friend died, and none too soon. It was very dramatic in a hillbilly-class kind of way, and there was a lot of yelling and implements and objects flying. I figured it was the least I could do for Tom, and it was much appreciated by our neighbors, as well.

I found out once and for all that it doesn’t matter how good your art portfolio is, if you are not rich you are NOT going to art school. Would have been nice of Oregon College of Art and Craft to have been upfront with me about that.

Tom and I had to sell all our small original art collection to pay 2009's taxes. I have no idea how we will pay for 2010's and beyond.

I lost a friend due to ethics and dishonor -- his, not mine. Guess it wasn’t much of a friendship after all.

We had to go into debt to replace our dead (mine) and failing (Tom's) computers.

There were bright spots, though.

Because of being under the weather a lot, I was able to read just a whole slew of books, more than I’d gotten to read in many years. I also discovered the obvious, that reading and cooking are mutually compatible, once everything is either sizzling quietly or is on the simmer.

I went to WonderCon in San Francisco and visited good friends and their lovely cats, which is always a treat. I also saw my M.D. there and got enough free samples of Rx drugs to keep me alive during this very lean year.

I was privileged to work on an amazing still Top Secret project with a noted photographer and a wonderful writer, which will be made public sooner than later. I learned a lot doing it, and it was great fun in general.

We said “hello” to two new cats, Ernesto and Mr. Darcy, in October and November, former ferals and now cats in the house. I thought I’d never get the chance to win over and tame any more wild cats, and I’m grateful I had one more chance to to that. They sleep with and on top of us and are much better mannered than some of the other cats who live here.

In November I completely surprised myself by not only signing up for National Novel Writing Month, but actually going the distance and completing my 50,000 words.

Because there are a couple of convenient discount cinemas nearby, Tom and I got to see quite a few movies, and that was lovely.

I did more artwork than I did last year, and am only 1 1/2 pieces from finishing my 2010 Bead Journal Project, which I will complete sometime in early January. Because of having to put together a portfolio for the art school, I rediscovered my love of drawing, and I’ll be spending time with that in the coming year, I’m sure.

We learned how to really stretch out our money, and generally got by until the computers had to be replaced. BUT we now have shiny almost-new computers that work swell and that we like a lot.

Just last week Tom found a couple of long-lost boxes of CDs, and I was able to rediscover some of my favorite recordings that I had thought were gone, gone, gone.

New Year’s Resolutions? Nope. The resolution I make every year is to make no resolutions. Life has so many tricks and surprises that resolution making seems a pointless thing to do. I’ll just keep going on and see what happens next.

I hope 2010 was a decent year for y’all and that 2011 will be Ass-kicking FANTASTIC for all!

March 2010 BJP

2010-12-18T21:50:00.000-08:00

Here, finally, is my piece for March, 2010. March was quite an intense month, to say the least, complete with drama, a suicide, and all the fallout from that. I'm not sure what this piece says about it all, but here it is.

November (I think... ) BJP

2010-12-16T15:29:00.001-08:00

Even though I haven't been posting, I have been working along on various things. Here's my November BJP. I'm still working on September, October, and December, and of course, the mysterious March is coming right up, too.

November was a month of things being very disconnected from one another and continuity being disjointed. There were too many events, as usual, and a major disaster. We took in a(nother) giant feral cat, and had to replace both our computers, which we'll be paying off for a long, long time. I lost a friend over ethics problems (the ones I had with his ethics). I wrote 50,702 words in NaNoWriMo, making me a winner(!!!) and proving to myself that I could actually do such a thing. I'm not sure how much of all of this is actually reflected in this piece. I found I liked the art deco feel the design took, and the colors appealed to me. You can interpret it however you will.

Materials used were beads of 10, 11, and 15 sizes, and cheap square shell buttons I got free at a crafts conference.

Back from the Void

2010-11-27T00:13:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday, my trusty laptop just stopped working, just like that, STOPPED! I've been off the computer and away from the internets until just right now, with the exception of dropping in occasionally to post a little on the FB and check my mail. It was kind of nice and kind of not, but today I took a huge, deep breath and went out early into the cold and rain and picked up a new to me, gently used MacBookPro for a bundle of money, but a whole lot less than new. At the same time, my husband got a new iMac to upgrade his studio, too. Yes, we're in debt for it, which is not where I wanted to be, but at the same time, it will really make working go faster and better around here.

It was surprising to me how much I missed being able to tap into all the free and fast information available with the computer, but somehow I managed to enjoy finishing up a long-delayed knitting project in time for cold days and nights, and actually read a book!

Bruno, R.I.P.

2010-10-15T00:53:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite pictures of Bruno, taken in July of 2009.

My beautiful friend, Bruno, left this world at around 4:20pm on October 14, 2010. There was just nothing more that we could do for him, and he was in pain and could no longer eat. That morning his mighty strength was failing. We were able to spend about half an hour of special time with him in our vet's Quiet Room, that they have set up for these kinds of times. It's just like a little living room, with plush chairs and a craftsman style table instead of the weird-smelling, windowless exam room with a steel table. He lay in the sun and purred for a bit, then we said, "Goodbye." His passing was easy and Tom and I were with him the whole time. DAMN, but he was a good cat! May you journey, well, Bruno, and rest in the arms of Bast and Sekhmet. You will be welcome wherever you go. We will always miss our friend.

More Cat Info...

2010-09-30T14:08:00.000-07:00

I captured the porch cat last night and took him into the vet this morning. He is negative for FIV/FLV (yay!) and recovering from his neuter operation. The entire staff is in love with him because of his sweet disposition and handsome face. He'll be coming back this afternoon, and then... well, time will tell. ;- )

I Love This Face!

2010-09-28T06:14:00.000-07:00

This is my friend, the Mystery Porch Cat. There are two such cats, actually, but this one has become my friend and likes to pose for pictures.

He comes by every evening for supper and purrs. It took several months to win his trust, but now he's willing to sit in my lap and lets me pick him up. I'll be taking him in to the vet's soon, to be neutered, tested for illnesses, etc., and then I'll have to try and win his trust all over again. Cats never get that this is for their good, and I'm pretty sure I would feel the same.

My Neighbors' Artichoke

2010-09-22T21:38:00.001-07:00

Just beginning to bloom...

Click for bigger...

August BJP Finished

2010-09-02T23:04:00.000-07:00

August was one of those "interesting" months in which I found myself wishing things were different, or had happened otherwise. I wanted to jump over to an alternate world where life was the way I preferred it to be. So... I built myself a time machine and set out upon the waters of time and space. It's literally a time machine, being made from a pocket watch plate, and I incorporated beads of graduated sizes and added a few rhinestones and a couple of sequins. The interesting thing about the watch plate is that all the intricate details on it's surface are never seen by anyone except the person who made the watch and the person who would have to open the watch to make repairs.

July BPJ Done

2010-08-16T21:50:00.000-07:00

July was all about expectations, dreams, and hopes, combined with obstacles and events coming right out of nowhere. I learned quite a few hard lessons, but I'm sure it was all for the best.

My Friend, Bruno

2010-08-07T19:31:00.000-07:00

Thursday was Bruno's annual veterinary exam. The vet found a large, scary growth in the back of his throat. He called in the other vets to have a look, and no one had ever seen anything quite like it. They were wondering who among them had the balls to do the surgery, or if surgery was even posible. A needle biopsy was taken and bloodwork, and we've been waiting to hear the results.

Dr. McCoy, our vet, called this evening. He stayed late to get the biopsy report I think. The news is very bad. Bruno has a squamous cell carcinoma in the back of his mouth, firmly attached to his soft palate. All we can do is make him happy and obey his every command until he can't eat any more. In other words, just carry on like normal... Better to know than not. And at least Bruno won't have to put up with surgery. I don't know how long this will take, but we'll give him the best end of life that we can. And I'm not going to miss him until he's gone.

Nope, No School For Me

2010-07-29T13:49:00.000-07:00

No school for anyone who is not independently wealthy. I'm heartbroken. I could have done so much there. I would also have gotten health insurance through them. Wonder what that would have been like... ? Once and for all I have FINALLY learned this lesson: the only value we have in this culture is how much money we have. All your ideals, all your goodness, ethics, sense of "fair play", FORGET IT! Money is all. Having learned this, my life is no different, but when/if I am in a position to grab anything, anything at all, you can bet I will. I advise y'all to do the same.

I got my financial "aid" letter. They'll let me take out $12,181 in loans and grants for the year. The grant is for $2,268. The rest is interest-bearing debt. They expect me to come up with the other $11,458 on my own. Guess they think it will fly out my butt. I have never even made that much money in a year in my whole life. You know that quote, the one about "Never let lack of money keep you from doing what you want to do?" I believe it was originally coined by bankers and credit card companies. It is your first-class ticket on the Debt Train. I can't get on that train any more. I can't take on tens of thousands of dollars of debt, which I'd be paying into my 90s. When they say "we can make this happen," IT IS A TOTAL LIE!

NOT INTERESTED IN HEARING that, oh, life's not really that way, oh, you can learn all that on your own, oh, you can just take classes, goodness is it's own reward, etc., etc., etc. IT IS NOT TRUE. If I could learn all that on my own, I WOULD HAVE. Schools have equipment I can't afford and don't have room for, and instructors with first-hand knowledge, and that's invaluable. Individual classes are too expensive for me. I doubt I'll ever be able to go to those again, or at least not for the foreseeable future. Goodness just gets you poorer and kicked in the teeth. These have been hard lessons to learn, but I have finally learned them well.

Comnments have been disabled. I don't really care what anyone thinks right now.

Yay! Most Excellent News!

2010-07-12T17:29:00.000-07:00

I just found out I've been accepted to the Oregon College of Art and Craft!!!!! The beadwork I've been doing for the BJP had a lot to do with my getting in, I believe. This is something I've been working on for awhile, getting all my transcripts sent, putting together a portfolio (hard work!), filling out forms... I'm completely thrilled! Continuing my arts education will help me get my work up to that next elusive level. I'll be in the Certificate Program, with my main concentration in fibers, but the school requires that students study LOTS of different crafts. It will be very challenging to go here -- they have a very rigorous program -- but I'm sure I'll love every minute of it. Art school has long been a dream of mine. Next, of course, comes the Big Question: How am I going to pay for this?? But right now, for today, I am delighted and happy.

In other news, I heard some strange noises out on my front porch early this morning and was able to snap this quick shot through the livingroom blinds. This should prove that we are NOT feeding cats out there!

This Pie's So Good It Is A Crime

2010-07-09T19:15:00.000-07:00

This here is one of the most outstanding things I've seen in forever!

Here Are Some Drawings...

2010-07-09T15:44:00.000-07:00

Here are a couple of drawings, one I rediscovered, one I drew very recently. I'm trying to get down to the simplest renderings of things. You can click on the images to make them bigger.

Black and White + Red - 3 x 5

Maya - 9 x 12

I feel extremely inadequate with drawing, and much prefer other media.

June BJP Page Done

2010-06-29T05:49:00.000-07:00

Here's my June page. I wanted to see what would happen if I incorporated some stone beads, and the jade donut and kyanite blade-shaped beads came to hand. This is about some of my feelings about early Summer, when the weather is getting very warm and there is still a lot of growth and energy as some plants are blooming and some begin to show fruits that start to ripen. Everything feels so alive!

Now That's What I'm Talking About!

2010-06-28T18:00:00.000-07:00

The Boston Cooler, best way to cool off on a hot day. Vernor's Gingerale, vanilla ice cream, and it's all good.

MMMMmmmmmMMM!

Time To Get Up

2010-06-24T15:40:00.000-07:00

This is how I wake up every morning, with the help of my kitty, Emily, who is feeling much better now:

This morning I snapped a quick picture, but that won't stop her. When she says it's time to get up, it's time to get up!

I Like Old Cars

2010-06-15T12:45:00.000-07:00

These were taken with Tom's little Nikon Coolpix L10, which I can never quite get the hang of... My framing is always off because looking at the back of the camera to compose a shot is just... wrong to me.

I hope to find this car again (it often lurks across the street from Beaterville Cafe, my favorite breakfast spot) and take more pix.

May Page Done

2010-05-30T16:34:00.001-07:00

Here's my May page. As always, it is subject to interpretation as you wish. To me, it's about moving through time/space toward a future (the sunrise), having to rely on a whimsical universe to get me there, or somewhere. The 5 moons could be possibilities, or just mean that it is May. I'm not thinking too deeply about this one, I just liked the image that appeared of a cat riding on a fish.

Emily Update

2010-05-29T20:32:00.000-07:00

Emily did wake up hungry (and thanks for your kind wishes about that, Anita!) but not until this morning. Yesterday I was able to coax her into eating a small amount of her very favorite fish, and this morning she was demanding more, and ate most of it. She's still ill, but it looks as if she's on the way to feeling a lot better. It's still day by day, but her energy has improved greatly. I'm less worried and more happy.

My Friend, Emily

2010-05-28T01:26:00.000-07:00

I took this picture at 12 noon Thursday, the 27th.

Emily is not going to eat. She hates her potassium supplement gel. She's not going to drink, either. So there. Right now she's hiding under and behind our bed, so from now on no medications or food will be given to her in there. The bedroom can be Emily's perfect safe place.

Roughly a year ago, Emily was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. She's not a cat who will take pills, but we were keeping her weight up by giving her a few smaller meals throughout the day. She was at 4lbs and 6oz at that time, and we had managed to slowly get her weight over 5lbs and she was doing well, though always a picky eater. About a week and a half ago, her weight suddenly started to drop and she stopped eating much, began throwing up, then sopped eating altogether. We took her into the vet's for treatment on Tuesday, then again for a recheck today. She hadn't eaten, except for a few teaspoons of baby food that I had to put onto her tongue to get her to swallow. She's now so thin and angular, she looks like a very old, very ill cat. The change has been shocking and scary.

I don't know what will happen from now, if she'll wake up tomorrow, hungry and willing to eat. She would not eat anything this evening. Our veterinarian, Dr. McCoy, gave her a shot of vitamin B-12 and some cortisone, to stimulate her appetite and give her some energy. According to the vet, if this doesn't get her to eat, it is unlikely that anything will. She got another 100cc of fluids, and we'll be giving her 100cc here once or twice a day, even if she tries to kill us, and she will. It looks like she's in kidney failure, and at 10 years old, that's a little early in her life for that, but each cat is different and sometimes has unfortunate surprises for us. I'm giving her reiki, of course, but from a distance right now. Hands-on reiki seems too much for her. I've known Emily since she was a month old, a little wild kitten in McLaren Park in San Francisco. I don't want to lose my friend, and I don't want to watch her die, but it never matters what we want in these cases -- it is all up to the cat.

I'm all tired out by now, and worried. Tomorrow I'll treat myself to a day of working on my BJP page. It will be soothing to work with beads and colors.

It's JackBoots!

2010-05-27T02:17:00.000-07:00

Click image for bigger

He's not just for breakfast, any more!

Life Going On...

2010-05-26T16:34:00.000-07:00

I've been looking at schools for the past few weeks, with a view to learn a skill that will get me some kind of paying employment. So far I've seen hair design/cosmetology schools, culinary schools, community college programs in interior design, graphic design, and the like, and last of all art schools with similar programs. A lot of what I run into is that many of the design and career programs in these schools want me to get a BA or BFA degree, which I have zero interest in doing. I want to learn something and go do it, and not be bogged down with extraneous classes that someone else has decided I need to take to be "well rounded." I hated that kind of thing in my twenties, and I am unwilling to put up with it now. I've been leaning strongly toward baking and pastry, which is a science and an art. It could be cool, making beautiful loaves of bread early in the morning...

Yesterday, at my husband's insistence, I went over to the Oregon College of Arts and Crafts for a look around. They offer several programs, including a 3-year studio-based Certificate program, which is all about developing and improving studio skills, and a minimum of other kinds of classes. It was a big mistake to go there, and I regret it intensely. If ever there were a perfect place and learning environment for me, Oregon College of Art and Craft would be it. They not only have all the different fields, and all their associated ~~toys~~ equipment, they strongly encourage learning at least something about pretty much everything. When I told the admissions person that I had a hard time limiting myself to just one thing, and that I thought all media could fit together, she said, "You've just stated the philosophy of this school." *Sigh...* Art school is wrong, and impractical, and way, way, WAY too expensive. At the end of it, I'd be an independent artist, with a huge debt, and right now I'm an artist with much less debt. It would allow me to really explore my options in fiber, metals, design, photography, and more, if I wanted to check out woods, ceramics, or book arts, or even blacksmithing. The class sizes are very small, which ideally suits my learning style. And they teach textile design! Art school would help me to get that professional finish on my work that I so want to achieve, and will connect me up with galleries and the like. I went over there hoping to hate the place, and that's impossible -- it is an absolutely beautiful campus and very, very well equipped with pretty much everything you'd need to learn whatever you're interested in learning. The people who work there and go to school there love it. You know how it is when you arrive at a place that is just right and you know you belong there... ? My heart is completely broken. There is NO MONEY FOR THIS, nor will there ever be.

I'm now working on May BJP page, which I'll finish tonight or tomorrow. It's been going okay, fitting it in between other events and paying work. I hope to retro-fit March in pretty soon.

I have to find some way to come up with a house payment and payment for some bills, after emergency ($$) denti$try for Tom and emergency vet visit for Emily Cat ($$) this week, and my getting a pass to the Summit of Awesome conference before the other two things occurred... We're in yet another state of dire financial suspense, wondering about where the house payment will come from, etc., and I'm thinking about a 3-year, full time arts program against all common sense. It is time for fear and panic, if anything, and yet I'm feeling kind of... bubbly and relaxed today. Maybe I've lost all my grip on reality, or I'm just living up to my potential for irresponsibility.

Beginning...

2010-05-16T04:49:00.000-07:00

It's another no sleep night. But it's warm and the cats have stopped arguing, and I'm wanting to take out some beads and do something with them. My blank piece of cloth with the 3" x 3" square marked on it is lurking next to the printer, and I'm feeling restless in that way I get when it's time to do artwork -- even if that time is nearly 5am and I'm starting to see things blurry. I think a lot of things will get clearer in my mind while I work on something. Looking through the latest issue of Beadwork, which is 98% necklaces, earrings, and bracelets and not much embroidery, inspires me, mainly, I think, with color and materials choices. That kind of got me thinking about beading a piece right about now, and I started looking through reference books, and now I'm looking at that empty piece of cloth...

I'm at that place where I'm restless and wakeful, just on the point of starting something new, but not ready, quite, to place that first bead, take that first stitch. It's an interesting and jittery place to be, kind of exciting, kind of hesitant, very familiar. Tom and I had planned to go out Sunday, but that was before I paid the bills. I'll take that time we would have gone out to work on art. But I'll set up my beginning now, before I sleep, clearing space, pulling out colors I may or may not use, picking out stones, or charms, or random pieces of whatever I come across in my storage drawers. I'll pick something up, and sew it down. Maybe I'll still like it there tomorrow, and maybe not, but I will have started a new piece, at last.

April BJP

2010-05-02T07:11:00.001-07:00

I'm still working on March, but here's April. Usually I go for the deep, intense colors, and this time I found myself using lighter colored beads, and watch parts. And again, I'm not sure whether this is actually the right way up. It's always subject to change without notice. In some way, this is all about my birthday -- the actual day of my birth, not the anniversary. This isn't something I generally give much thought to, and I don't even celebrate my birthdate at all, but I've been having to look at life and death lately, so this idea came up as I worked. I'm not sure what I'm trying to tell myself right now, though. This piece was enjoyable to work on throughout, which is different. Usually I really dislike a piece as I work through the middle part, and may not warm to it until it's all finished. I think that the colors refreshed me. :- )

2010-04-17T19:21:00.000-07:00

I'm almost afraid to write that things may be settling down around here... Just in case they really haven't...! The days are getting warmer, and my husband and I are enjoying being out on our front porch again, now cleared of rubble and boxed trash, and it's 7:30pm and the sun is still out. Calm is definitely good, and just what we have been needing, even though we have only had a few days of it.

Tonight I'll be working in on either March or April BJP, depending on where the beads take it (it's undecided at this point and could go anywhere), and that is making me feel happy. I'm also going to start a small jewelry project with some watch parts and see where that goes. Up until now there has been just too much catching up to do, and I'm longing for more art in my life.

Meanwhile, life goes on. It is still and always a refreshing relief to pull up into our driveway and not have Kevin's ugly, decrepit van and pile of trash there. And we'll be ever perplexed about Jiji/Irene and her suicide. I'm pretty sure that unless you have been there (and I have not), there is no understanding it, and maybe not even then, since we all do things for very different reasons. The pieces will never all fit together, but it is still a source of speculation and probably will be for some time.

Pretty soon I'll whip up some spaghetti for our dinner, and/or feed the cats. If it stays warm enough, we'll eat out on the porch.

Suicide: It is Not Painless, But It Does Cause Many Changes

2010-03-20T12:04:00.000-07:00

Someone I did not like, a former friend, Jiji McClintock, known also by her previous name, Irene Kerth, killed herself Tuesday, March 16, by jumping off a very picturesque bridge in my neighborhood, the St. Johns Bridge. Google it -- it is really a lovely bridge. She did this around 6pm, knowing, I guess, that someone would see her. She left 3 cats, a frog, and an apartment full of junk. I hope she made the right decision, because there are no do overs after you smack into that hard, hard river.

How I found this out was that the county Medical Examiner called here for Tom, on behalf of Jiji's not-quite-ex-husband, Jon. Of course, Tom was out of town, and wasn't due back until Wednesday, the 17th. Her car had to be claimed or it would be impounded with much trouble and expense. So, off I went, with my step-brother, Kevin, to pick up the car. He was all worried and paranoid about it being a police matter but, really, they could not have been more indifferent to the whole thing. The car now sits in our driveway. Tom's in shock, Jon's in shock, especially since this divorce was full of ugliness. There was harassment, I guess, and general unwillingness to cooperate.

I went over to her place to check on her animals, 3 cats and a frog, who were all okay, but lonely and wondering what was going on. I made sure the cats were safe, cleaned their box, checked on water, fed the frog, who was ravenous.

Jiji's suicide note, generally blaming Jon, her not-quite-yet ex-husband, was left on her bed alongside an unsigned Will. I assume that signed copies were mailed to the heirs. She said that she lied to everyone and had planned this for some time because her heart, spirit, trust, and dreams had been broken and would never mend. She was going to a therapist, according to her LJ blog entries. She may have had cancer, and chose to do nothing about it for lack of money, though her insurance was still good till the end of this month. She left short messages for people, including Tom. Including me. Her message to me was not kind, but it was what she saw and believed about me. In it she said I have a big heart and great strength, but was angry and bitter (well, that is true sometimes), jealous, fearful of the unknown, and that I'm lonely and friendless because of it. And that's what drove her away. Maybe, maybe not. I don't feel particularly lonely. Her last sentence tells me to get help and stop tormenting Tom with my insanity. Well, there you go. From my viewpoint, the emotional blackmail I experienced from her, and the fact that she stole a bunch of money from Kevin, is why I cut her out of my life. She left a very sweet and personal message to Tom, which I will not quote here because it is for him, but her last sentence to him is, "I love you." She had some really lovely things, and some really nasty things to say to other folks, who I don't know.

I wasn't sure what would happen next, other than get in touch with Jon in the morning, go make sure the cats were okay, maybe talk to the landlord if he was there. I had planned to bring the cats and froggie here, but they were better where they felt safe, at least for the time being. In fact, a young woman who is experienced in animal rescue came and took the cats up to Seattle with her. Jon will take the frog. There will be a lot of packing, shipping, loading, whatever in the next couple weeks, and maybe I'll be able to avoid some of that... But I guess the apartment has to be vacant by April 1st.

And I'm not really sure how I feel about this. Monday night I was thinking that I know someone that I don't like (Jiji) who may be seriously ill, and how did I feel about that? I came up kind of blank. And that's where I am right now. Kind of blank. She made this decision, carried it through, and there's quite a mess left behind to be picked up, as I guess there always is when something like this happens. I sure wish she'd left a contact list somewhere with the Will and final note, so I could get word out to them, especially to the adoptive mother of her daughter, who really needs to know about this, and how to tell the daughter, who is presently under care in a mental hospital. This will be really hard on them. And I know it's really hard on Tom. But me... just blank. I'll be percolating it for some time, I think.

Sometimes suicide is the right choice, despite the advice of all the experts, and I hope this one was the right choice. Sometimes we think to do this and don't. Sometimes we try it out because we just want the pain/fear/desperation to go away. This is conjecture on my part. I've never been there. If any of you make this decision, PLEASE think of the people you leave behind and leave them clues how to reach each other, and what to do next. Think of your animal friends and make some real provisions for them before you step out into the big nothing. They can't speak for themselves and the law considers them just property to be disposed of. If you won't change your mind, remember the ones who care for you, who will have to clean up after you, and make it a little easier on them.

Most of this week has been spent helping to sort out Jiji's effects, make sure things are put aside for people named in her Will, getting the cats all squared away and taken care of, retrieving furniture we loaned to her, and things like that. I've met some of her friends, which has been very enlightening. This whole last year she pushed a lot of people away from her, it turns out. Some of them saw the craziness long before Tom did.

Since we had ended our friendship most definitely, it's quite ironic that here I am, having to do all this stuff for/with her estate. Somewhere, if there's a somewhere, she's getting a laugh out of that. I can not understand the decision she made to end her life, but I respect it.

Since then, I threw my step-brother, Kevin, out of our driveway and out of our lives. This was a long time coming, and good riddance to a load of trash. What got me angry was that he stole a Wii game system from Jiji's house after she died. What made me throw him out was his self-righteous refusal to return it, insisting that he was "owed" and only he was important here. I pointed out that he was, in fact, stealing from Jiji's daughter, a young woman currently in a boarding school for troubled youth. And also, he owes Tom and I way more than Jiji took and has never once looked for work or made any attempt to pay us back, or even pay token rent. He always had plenty of money to buy his cigarettes, though. There was quite an intense fight, that nearly got physically violent because I was so furious. I finally threw his full ashtry all over him and his stuff in the van, he tossed silverware and jars of peanut butter and old cans out into the yard. There was a lot of yelling, swearing, and general invective. I got the house key back, cut off his power, handed back his iPod, and that afternoon (Wednesday, just before Tom got back from Detroit) he got someone or other to haul him and his ratty van the hell away from here. I told him he could call to arrange to pick up the rest of his huge pile of stuff. THE END. I feel like I just lost 135 lbs of useless flab in an instant. Because I did.

Some major changes have taken place in my life just now, some perplexing and tragic, some very positive. My emotions have been, and still are, all over the place, but I'm sure that's normal and a good thing.

March BJP may be late, but I have a lot to think about and more to do right now. I'm hoping for a long stretch of boring, uneventful days and months ahead, but I do not see anything like that coming. I'm buckling my seatbelt for that bumpy ride ahead.

And now... back to work.

February BJP

2010-03-08T17:13:00.001-08:00

I've been finished for a few days, actually, but just now finally photographed it. It's called Toxic Runoff, and is about all the emotions and events that sometimes send me into overwhelm, at least momentarily. I wanted to go back to a very simple technique, using only size 11 and 10 beads to tell this complicated story. In pictures of actual runoff, the chemicals can be quite striking and even beautiful with unexpected colors and flow, but they are actually poison. That's what I was trying to get at with the different bead colors. Even in the midst of this, though, there are still some clear and unpolluted parts, as indicated by the bright silver beads, symbolizing a small sections of clear and calm thinking among the runaway emotions. February was a more "interesting" month that I wanted. :- ) I'll be starting in on March soon, which, so far, has been much calmer.

It's Ramon!

2010-03-01T22:29:00.000-08:00

This is just a random shot, and not in perfect focus, but it catches his general attitude perfectly. There he is on the bathroom cabinet, where he is not supposed to be. Click the image to see a giant, soft focus cat.

I'm working away on my February BJP, and will be done this week, I believe. But right now... I only got 5 hours sleep because I stayed up so late last night beading. Time to crash.

Watchworks Are So Beautiful!

2010-02-20T03:17:00.000-08:00

This is an old, broken pocket watch. Earlier today I spent 5 minutes with this watch movement, a little Mr. Metal metal cleaner/polish, and paper towels, and a final once-over with a jeweler's polishing cloth. It started out very dull and grey-brown, but cleaned up so nice! It amazes me how much detail was put into the inside of a watch, which people generally did not see. This watch will never run again, and most of the parts inside, those that are left, are pretty well corroded. According to the person I bought it from, it spent something like 45 years in a box in a garage somewhere. I'm going to make it the centerpiece for something, and it will be part of an art piece. I shot this in my new mini-studio, a Rubbermaid translucent file box ($7.99 at Freddy's) with a couple of swing-arm lamps, one on either side, daylight (cool white) CFLs in each. I shot it with my 50mm dark 'n' contrasty f2.8 macro manual focus lens. There is still much perfecting to do with this system, and I really prefer overcast daylight to shoot, but it came out fairly decent overall. Obviously I need a better background to shoot against than a beading cloth, but it's early days yet. I just wanted to see how it would turn out.

Good Stuff in the Mail...

2010-02-10T16:47:00.000-08:00

I've been under the weather a bit with a low-level cold that will not leave. But there's nothing like getting a bunch of old keys in the mail (eBay find) to cheer me up... Some of these are quite old, some are not, but they're all interesting and will, sooner or later, be part of art pieces.

I particularly like this one:

I've been getting rest and will continue to do so, while drinking lots of juice and enjoying the company of purring cats. That and a little ice cream will have me feeling better in no time.

Spiffing Up

2010-02-04T08:16:00.000-08:00

Every few months it comes time to clean the studio, put those things away I was leaving out "just for a bit, in case I want to get back to them...", put the magazines on their shelf where I actually know I can find them when I need to look up something or other for reference, toss out old mail and misc. items, and/or put misc. items into the "interesting art bits" drawer. It's an annoyance to think of before I start, but really doesn't take that long (my studio room is little) and is quite easy. Mainly I don't like the idea of having to do it. XD Anyway, today is that day. As is usual, the secret real reason this gets done on a remotely regular basis is that I do it to avoid doing something else, as in, "I can't possibly get anything done with the room like this!" This ignores the fact that I got plenty done in here yesterday, and yet the room was just the same as it is now. After it's all cleaned and finished, and surfaces are rediscovered and all, things feel more spacious in here, and that makes me smile, plus, I'm so bored with the cleaning and organizing that whatever I was avoiding seems very attractive.

I'm starting to think about my February BJP page, which I plan to start sometime in the next week or so. I have my empty square up on my bulletin board, beads at the ready, and thread and needles waiting. There are a few things I have to accomplish first, and paying work to get done and out of the way, but I'm already getting excited to get started. January was a lot of fun to work on. I wonder what will appear on the page for February?

January Page

2010-01-29T17:25:00.000-08:00

January done, and on time, too. :- ) This is all about bringing joy into my life and setting the vibration for the new calendar year, which is full of surprises and delights. I used colors that were bright and joyous to me, and also symbolized prosperity and abundance.

Cold and Rainy Here...

2010-01-24T18:04:00.000-08:00

That makes it good weather to be beading away on my January BJP piece, which is coming along a little slower than I'd hoped, but it will be finished soon.

Here's two of my cats keeping warm. I wish I could climb in and curl up with them. I have to settle for getting up close and personal with the little space heater next to my desk. :- P That's Curtis Junior on the left, Herbert on the right.

Wheeeee!

2010-01-12T18:34:00.000-08:00

I got the 2010 Rio Grande Tools and Equipment catalog today -- jewelry tool porn! I love going through and looking at all the stuff, the mutant extraterrestrial pliers, hammers, bizarre tweezers, strange machines, fascinating saw blades, dapping blocks, draw plates, vacuum forming machines, torches, kilns, and... This thing keeps me entertained for hours, and is one of the highlights of the new calendar year. And it came at the right time -- I happen to need some new bizarre tweezers. :- ) Lucky for me, they are inexpensive.

January BJP Started

2010-01-04T06:54:00.000-08:00

I have started in on my January piece, but it's not far enough along to post an "in progress" pic just yet. There are some beads I want to use, but I put them... somewhere and now all my searching has not turned them up. If I go buy some more, they will magically reappear. If I keep looking, I'm not likely to find them. This is typical for me and my studio, and it has been this way forever. Usually if I can't find what I want, I discover something even better to use, that I would never have thought of otherwise. It will be interesting to see what I come up with.

Changes...

2009-12-31T01:03:00.001-08:00

Time to say, "Goodbye" to the 2008 BJP, and "Hi" to the 2010! I made up the logo button in Photoshop, not actually knowing what I was doing, but getting it done regardless. It turned out okay, I think.

I have my fabric, backing and bead colors all around me, ready to start up on Friday or Saturday when the calendar turns. It will be interesting to start another year with this project, and my only New Year's Resolution (besides my usual: eat ice cream) is to do better with this third BJP than I did with the last one. And that won't be hard to do, at all.

2009-12-29T17:29:00.000-08:00

We're having a rare hard snowfall -- 2 inches in 2 hours. It's lovely to look at and slippy-slidey to drive in. I'm safe inside with my kitties and husband, enjoying hot chocolate and keeping warm. And of course, I'm beading!

Winter Solstice 2009

2009-12-22T02:18:00.000-08:00

I lit the special cat candle (electric), dedicated to the Solstice and all of our lost friends.

Outside, it looked like this:

Tom and I enjoyed a lovely spaghetti dinner, and afterwards I made the traditional Solstice chocolate pudding. I make it from scratch, chopping up the chocolate, combining the ingredients, and cooking it slowly on the stove. It's always tasty that way, but it doesn't last long around here.

Amazingly, I got to bed around 11:45am, I got up at about 3:30pm, and I'm still wide awake. I like doing without sleep sometimes, so I can work on stuff, and I'm liking it this time. I'm sure I'll sleep well when I finally do get into bed, but... just not ready now.

Now for artwork!

Matilda, R.I.P.

2009-12-20T19:51:00.000-08:00

This is the last picture of Matilda, taken yesterday.

We said "Farewell" to our beautiful old cat, Matilda yesterday afternoon. She was, as close as we could tell, at least 20 years old, and maybe 21. She was with us for almost 10 of those years, and quite the tyrannical dictator she was! Now we don't know what to do, without her telling us. At the end, she weighed less than 3 lbs, and was clearly ready to go. It feels like she's still here, and I'm looking for her in her favorite places around the house. I had trained myself to adhere to her medication and fluids schedule, and it will be awhile before I stop thinking, "Oh, it's 11 -- time for the white pill. It's 9 -- time for the pink pill." She was a wonderful friend. May she journey well.

I'm In -- One More Time!

2009-12-12T03:23:00.000-08:00

I made up my mind and joined the 2010 Bead Journal Project! I still have a bit of a mixed mind about this, and my ability to keep up with it, but I couldn't pass it up. However much I was able to complete, or not complete, in the previous years, the BJP is all fun and growing and community, and I'm ready to try it again.

Portland Gem Faire Today

2009-11-29T20:45:00.000-08:00

I had a free pass and $30, so how could I resist going to Gem Fair at the Oregon Convention Center? Parking is free on Sunday, too, if you can find it.

It was interesting over at the Gem Faire, and really quiet. People said that the whole weekend was too slow. Dealers I'd hoped would be there were not there. I got some kyanite beads (flat squares and blades, mostly translucent or transparent -- just beautiful!) and some old coins to work into future pieces. That was all well under budget. I went over budget by a small amount getting a big labradorite cab at the amazing price of $15! It should have been more like $50. LUCKY! This will be the center of a neckpiece in the future. I did find free parking, but it was at the opposite far end of the convention center from where the faire was, so I had to walk quite a long way to get there and then back to the car.

I have a lot of ideas about pieces I want to make, or attempt to make, in the near future. I'm wishing I could go to Bead & Button Show this year and take the master beading class. First I suppose I should wish for the money to go, and spend once I get there. Sure would be a long drive, but an interesting one, across the country again, but without all the family garbage. Well, maybe...

Still Here... More or Less

2009-11-13T15:55:00.000-08:00

Larry Catt

It's been awhile since I posted -- over a year! And it's been a helluva year, too. I've changed my screen name from LoisB to Lois2037, which is what I use almost everywhere else. I've lost about 20 lbs or so. We said "Goodbye" to our beautiful friend, Larry. He died at home from lymphoma at age 16.

The infamous Slab -- all that ever came of my Dream Studio... :_ (

My studio? Never built, probably never will be built. A lot of tears were spilled over this, a lot of promises and assurances were broken. And now we have a giant cement slab out in the yard and nothing on it except cut grapevines. I'm spreading them out over the cement, along with other yard cuttings, because they stain the concrete and create intricate and interesting patterns. I'll put out a metal table that's just sitting around in the yard, and maybe metal chairs, etc., as I find them, so there will be a sort of furnished, open room out there to look at. I think the squirrels will like that. Maybe someday I can afford to get one of those backyard screened tent items, which I can put up on the slab and maybe work out there some days in the spring and summer, though doing that is not practical at all, in that I'll have to haul everything out there at the beginning of the day, and then drag it all back inside at the end of the day. I'm still extremely angry over this issue, since there it is every day for me to look at. I will never trust anyone's word or claims again. I have definitely, and finally, learned that lesson.

My brother never listened to anyone's advice, so his business failed in only 3 months, his partner and roommate ripped him off of his car, iPod, and whatever else wasn't nailed down. He walked away from a place he'd paid rent in advance on to be roommates with one of my husband's friends, only to have her turn around and throw him out for reasons that are not clear, having to do with her not being honest with her landlord or something. Now he lives in his decrepit and non-working VW van, parked at the end of our driveway. He doesn't want to live in the house, though comes in for laundry and showers.

For a while, I had a job doing color-flatting for a genius comics colorist who lives about 6 blocks away. Color-flatting is kind of the pre-coloring, which is then gone over and finished to a high gloss by the colorist/painter of the comic. It's all done on computer, so I learned a lot about Photoshop. Ultimately, though, I wasn't all that good at it, and could not meet the pace to make up the artist's lateness on deadlines and still get work to the colorist at the rate he wanted it. I had to quit, and he got pretty put out about the whole thing. I really loved the doing of the work, even though I was not really right for the job, so I kind of miss it. It paid horribly, though, at $15 a page. It often took me a day or more per page, and some pages took up to 3 days, netting me a big, big $5 a day! Still, it was money I wouldn't have had otherwise, and do not have now. And the colorist guy isn't speaking to me anymore.

Losing that job, though, opened up more time for artwork, and that has been nice for me. Also, my husband says I'm suddenly much easier to live with, now that I'm not feeling so much pressure, and have time to do more around the place, talk to him, spend time with our cats. I also now work with him, placing the comics lettering copy on the pages in the computer, which saves him much time.

I'm trying to decide whether to join the Bead Journal Project again. I'd like to, but the two times I tried this, I either didn't get everything done (not even enough to be on the website), or life jumped in the way of being able to do it any kind of justice and I had to resign. I have another month to see what's up and see if I can make and keep the commitment. I do miss it, and I like that it will start in January... but I want to actually end up keeping up, and doing all the pieces. Last year was such a shambles that I dropped out, and ended up recycling the pieces that I did, thinking I'd start over on my own. I didn't. It would really feel wonderful to be at the end of the year with 12 pieces done and a feeling of completion.

2008-11-01T14:49:00.000-07:00

Here's what just happened in our back yard. The old garage/shed building was obviously not going to last through this winter, so a couple days ago we tore it down. To be precise, it literally fell over during the process. We will be building another structure out there soon that, while it will look like a garage, will in reality be my new studio! I'm still working on the design, our budget is tight, and it will take a while to get going, but by springtime I'll have the large, well-lit work area I've always wanted. After the basic shell and roof of the building are up, my husband and I will be doing a lot of the interior work ourselves to save money, and that is where most of the time will go, I'm thinking, since that will have to be fit in among our other, paying, jobs. But... WOW! What an interesting year this is going to be.

I've been working away on the Bead Journal Project, but I'm just not wanting to show any of it as yet. Last year, I posted all the pieces I was able to do, and all my progress on them, but this year I'm wanting to keep this to myself for some reason. I finished the December 2007 page a while ago, and I'm not ready to post that one, either.

Meanwhile, cats need attention, work needs doing, progress is being made all over. I can't wait to see what happens next.

2008-08-21T00:44:00.000-07:00

Here's my December page, in progress. After another very intense Summer of deadlines and cross-country drives, I'm back working and can give more time to the beading. Now that the month, and the 2007 BJP is coming to a close, my only regret is never getting enough of these done so I can have a page on the 2007 BJP website... I'll be continuing with 2007 as I work on 2008, and posting them here, I suppose, since they won't be appropriate for 2008.

Still Working...

2008-08-14T10:56:00.000-07:00

I'm just about in the middle of my, um, December page. And while I am not setting any speed records (except for maybe slow speeds), I'm happy to still be working on this. I will finish up with 2007, but it may take me well into 2008 or '09 before I'm done.

The new BJP starts up so soon! Yes, I'm going to continue, and begin the new year's projects. I have a better chance of keeping up with it, since all my family stuff is OVER, the house sold, my step-brother currently residing on our back porch while he figures out what to do next. So no more drama from that quarter, and no more long drives to disaster. To be sure, there will be something that will jump in the way, but I'm hoping that 2008 - 2009 will be much better and much calmer, and I'll have more time to devote to artwork and especially the Bead Journal Project.

Right now it's in the mid 80s here in Portland, with a predicted high of 97F! I may move down in the basement for the afternoon to hide from the heat.

... And Another Page Somehow Appears

2008-05-14T18:27:00.001-07:00

Here's my latest page, which puts me at about, um, November. November was maybe my least favorite month of last year, in which we had sold our house and had literally 30 days to find a new place, buy it, and move in. Yikes. It was an extremely stressful time, but we got through it, as we knew we would. At the time, though, it was very scary and angry-making. We'll be unpacking, getting rid of things, and fitting ourselves into our much smaller house for many months to come, but we like this part of town a lot better, and I think we'll be okay here.

Back From Bead Expo

2008-03-31T14:20:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and found this peahen patrolling our neighborhood. In the picture, she is right under my studio window, beside my house! Portland has quite a few wild peacocks, as it turns out, another reason I love it here. My husband and I, thinking she might belong to someone nearby, went out to try to catch her, but she was way smarter that us, so is still at large in North Portland. I guess they are really just giant chickens, but so beautiful!

Bead Expo, put on by Interweave Press, was here from last Thursday until Sunday, and I was in day-long classes for the entire event. I'm so tired now, but also very, very inspired. All the classes turned out to be excellently taught and very useful. I did my best to take classes that would make me stretch out of my comfort zone and try new and different things, and that might even be a little intimidating or scary. This was an excellent decision! I discovered all sorts of things that I might not have learned if I had just "played it safe," and I will actually use a lot of what I learned instead of thinking, "Oh, that was fun!" but never really doing much with the information. I'm thinking that it would do me a lot of good to approach other aspects of life in this same way, too: stretch out and learn something. I've always felt that, like a shark has to keep moving through the water or die, we have to keep learning and growing or we'll die, too.

Done!

2008-03-21T20:32:00.001-07:00

I just finished this page, and here it is. I still have to even out the edges, clip a few threads, etc., but I decided to post here and just take the night off. I'll start the next one over the weekend.

It is always so interesting how these thing turn out.

Another Page Begun

2008-03-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

Here's the start of the next page. I'm making fair progress on it and hope to have it finished soon, and the next one begun, maybe even before the month is over. I think this is for October...? Anyway, I'm feeling powerfully motivated to work fast, since Portland Bead Expo is only two weeks away!

This page has a lot to do with growing, emotions and events, but feel free, as always, to interpret it any way that works for you. I get a lot of stuff worked out through these pages, but sometimes I don't realize what they mean for me until much later. I've always believed that art is a relationship not only with the art piece and the artist, but the art piece and the viewer, as well. And ultimately, the viewer/art relationship may be the most important.

Another Page Finished

2008-03-03T16:56:00.000-08:00

Here's the page, finished at last. Some urgent paying work swept into the house last week, but once that was done, I was able to get back to where I was and finish up. I'll be starting another tonight and/or tomorrow. It was interesting working mainly in greens this time. I wonder what the next piece will be? I'm still a Champion of Behinders, but one of these days, I'll find myself all caught up.

Still Working...

2008-02-21T00:39:00.002-08:00

Here is more progress on my page, plus a shot of the very small (3/4 of an inch at the widest part) piece of agate that inspired me to start it. I'm finding the green colors to be very calming and soothing to work with, yet the movement in the design feels very joyful and energetic and makes me want to go out and play -- so I do! I'm hoping to be finished sometime over the weekend and will begin a new page a few days later.

Sometime between now and next Tuesday I'll be taking time out to do a little painting around the house to surprise my husband when he gets back from a conference. It will be nice to have the house to myself (and cats!) for a few days, though I will certainly miss him. I really do like having quiet time all to myself sometimes.

New Page Started + Corrected Scan

2008-02-03T12:23:00.000-08:00

So, I have started a new page, and here is the beginning. I'm basing the design on a beautiful piece of agate that I rediscovered at the bottom of one of the myriad boxes I am unpacking these days.

Also, I'm posting the better scan of my previous page -- sure is good to have the scanner up and running again!

Another One Done

2008-01-25T19:55:00.001-08:00

The scanner is not hooked up yet, so this is a quick, not color-corrected snapshot image, but I wanted to post something actually finished after all this time!

I'm slowly getting settled into the new little house and I have a set-up in a separate room with LOTS of light so I can work again. I still have to excavate for beads and supplies down in the basement, and right now I have a slightly limited palette, but it feels so good to be sitting down with needle, beads and fabric. It's cold outside, but I keep warm with cats and hot chocolate as I bead and smile.

The move-in was nightmarish, but we expected that, and now that it is well over and we have kitchen (mostly), bedroom and our office/studios unpacked or in process, things are better. The cats all like the new place, too. We have just finished work on boxing in the back porch and turning it into a small ~~sunroom~~ room especially for the cats. In warmer weather, I hope to do some beading out there, too.

I will post a better pic of this once I get the scanner online.

BeadExpo - Portland Classes: Me Being Practical -- Really!

2008-01-17T00:58:00.000-08:00

I took a deep breath and plexed and plexed, but finally chose my classes for BeadExpo. They are expensive. They are deductible. My husband told me to do it. One 7-hour class per day. Most of them actually involve more metalsmithing than beadwork, and all are geared to things I can just sit down and make, with a minimum of extra tools, specialized equipment, expensive materials, more schooling. I'll be learning Etruscan-style Chain and Ring (wire work), Low-Tech Metalsmithing (working with fine silver, a small butane torch, and NO toxics), Bojangle Bracelet (bead embroidered bracelet), Objects & Elements - Creating Talismans Jewelry (making cold-joined bracelets, etc. with ordinary and found objects and manipulated bits of metal and glass). I already have pretty much all the tools I'll need, and the few I may need to buy are not real expensive. This is my attempt to be more practical in my approach (while still being true to my nature...) and build things that I could actually sell to folks. For money. And I'll be in BeadExpo classes all day, every day, so I won't have much time to spend in the vendor room. As usual, I'll be packing my lunch. Actually, the classes cost just a little less than the money we're saving on the new mortgage every month, and looking at it that way, I can see why my husband is not gritting his teeth over this. :- )

Finally, I'm getting moved into my studio room, and things are generally getting into shape around the house. AND I AM BACK TO BEADING, AT LAST!!!! We've been boxing in our back porch with reclaimed windows from the Rebuilding Center, and it's nearly done and looks great! It will be a mostly sun-filled room that I'm sure will be completely taken over by our cats. But it will give us some more room, and maybe kitties will let us in there from time to time.

Meanwhile... it's still 28F outside. I hope all the critters are keeping warm and safe out there tonight.

My New House

2007-11-28T20:39:00.001-08:00

Here's a picture of my new little house. It's about 1/3rd the size of the previous place, and we are going to have quite a time squeezing into it. There are only 864 sq. ft. of living space. However, the basement is the same size, so there is a lot of storage room. Eventually we hope to replace the falling-down garage with a back yard studio, but who knows when that will be?

I'm going crazy with packing and stuff -- we have less than a week to be out of here, and take possession of the new place at the end of the week. We will be moving our belongings into the basement storage space while we get the floors done upstairs. Should be an exciting weekend.

Back At It Again...

2007-11-06T19:29:00.000-08:00

Here's a beginning. I don't know if it's August, September, December... or if that really much matters just now. It feels really good to be back beading, even though there really is NO TIME for it now.

We did sell our house, finally, and with a great deal of ugliness and dishonesty on the part of the buyers. Real estate is not for the likes of me, who wants to just deal straightforwardly and above board. We have 30 days to vacate, no slack permitted. We have no house to vacate to. We almost bought a place, but today's inspection revealed the need for not only a new roof and some wiring, but complete re-plumbing! Too rich for our blood, and not enough time to get it all done anyway... We had to pay almost $600 to find all this out, of course -- my classes for Bead Expo, now up in smoke. So, if I ever thought I knew fear before... no, I did not. Our only prospect at the moment is a very beautiful little house in a great location that is about a mile too small for us. Maybe we can shoehorn ourselves in, and maybe we can build a little studio building out in the back... And, of course, we don't yet know if there are any surprises there for us to discover.

This has truly been the worst year of my life so far. There have been bright spots, to be sure, but one of the brightest consistently has been BJP. I haven't been good at keeping up, and I don't post as often as I'd like. However, it is very inspiring to me to see everyone's work and to be working along also. The beading is truly good for my soul, and helps keep me anchored to the ground.

July Page Finished

2007-09-05T02:49:00.000-07:00

So, here it is at last. Now on to August and September. This month will be an exercise in spontaneity, and that will be good for me.

I started out with the three light buttons, then decided to just outline around them with various beads and textures and see what design would develop and grow. Where the June page is relatively simple and symbolic, July came out very complex looking and design-oriented, and not symbolic of anything at all. To me, it has come to have something of a liquid feeling, but that may just be because it's almost 3am and I'm sleepy! I also chose to emphasize colors that I don't necessarily use all the time, and that was interesting, too.

At this point, I have no ideas about the August or September pages. They'll just grow.

Home Again, At Last

2007-08-29T22:08:00.001-07:00

Tobacco House, Hoffman Estates, IL

I am finally home from Tobacco House, where my mother lived. This was only going to be a one-week trip, but extended to two... My mom was ill from terminal emphysema due to smoking from age 12 to age 68. She did quit finally, but the damage was done. Her house was coated with 30+ years of heavy smoking by her, her husband and my step brothers, one of whom stayed with her and gave her constant care as her condition worsened. I had to stay in a nearby hotel for the time I was there because the air was so bad inside the house.

When I got there I found the place looking as though it hadn't been cleaned at all in the last 10 or 12 years-- and it hadn't! You know how those TV shows like The Munsters always had everything covered in fake cobwebs? In my mom's house, they were real cobwebs! I'm a little sorry now that I didn't take pictures of the inside of the house, but it just seemed so very dreadful... The hospice people were paying someone to come in and clean once a week, but apparently all she did was neaten up a little in the kitchen and talk on her cell phone. It didn't take me very long to whisk away the cobwebs and dust with a swiffer, and my brother (we stopped all that "step-brother/step-sister" nonsense right away-- family is what you make of it!) and I restored the living room from being a warehouse maze of boxes of medical and long-term care supplies. There were a few glass covered bookcases with frosted glass-- but when I cleaned them, it turned out to be clear glass coated with years of thick tobacco tar! I tried cleaning the walls, but when the 5th pass had the paper towel coming away the same dark brown oily color, I gave up. It was a very small (1,000sq ft.) and very dark house, indeed, without the tobacco's help.

Mom's room was kept pretty clean, though, except for the corners, which had cobwebs. She had a very comfortable hospital bed with an air mattress, TV and all the general comforts she needed. And she was very alert and had not lost one bit of her wonderful dark sense of humor. The humor helped a lot, for sure. We spent a couple of really wonderful days together going through her costume jewelry and trying it on like a couple of little kids, sharing memories and jokes.

I got there on Thursday/Friday, and by Monday she started to go into a decline. The hospice got Medicare to approve continuous nursing for her, which was a huge relief to my brother and his roommate, who had been doing round-the-clock shifts for the last year to make sure Mom was okay and got all the care she needed. It was a great relief to me, too, to know that they could rest at last, and that Mom was getting the best. I had no money to kick in, and they had all been living mostly on Mom's small pensions, so it's good to know that Medicare was willing to pay for that. We sure couldn't have.

My days there were spent cleaning up as best as I could, going through papers, helping prepare her will, packing my dad's paintings. And, of course, sitting with Mom when she was awake. She had some very bad nights where she would call out for help. I'd ask what she wanted and she'd look at me and say, "You!" So I kept extending my stay, of course. It was starting to get scary expensive, but what could I do? I was glad to be able to be there for her. When she signed her will, it kind of looked like maybe she might not be able to actually sign, but then, after a tentative try with the pen, she signed quite vigorously. This had been on her mind for some time, and she was very determined to get it taken care of. That night was much quieter for her.

On Sunday, August 19, after a couple days of more and more sleeping, my mother died at 11:25pm. It seemed peaceful. She had spent the whole day just lying quietly, breathing rapidly but showing no distress, though she was very much aware of her surroundings and nodded to me when I spoke to her. It looked to me as though she was just letting the charge run out on her personal battery. We were all with her at her bedside, telling her how much we loved her, telling her, "goodbye." It was hard, and yet I wouldn't have wanted to keep her here like that. Emphysema is slow and merciless. I wished her then, and wish her now a Good Journey.

It was the day after, Monday, that I learned from my brother just how really nuts her life had been. She lived as an almost total recluse-- I knew that. What I didn't know was, there were actual large family inheritances that she had turned down, for herself and for me and the step-kids! These were large legacies that could have changed all our lives for the better. There were other things, insurance settlements passed by, restitution for a failed business turned down... I was in shock for a few hours before I got really angry. My mother died in total destitution. And she didn't have to!!!!! She made huge financial decisions for me, without telling me!!! Not to mention that she still had minor children living at home. And too late then to ask why, what had she been thinking.

By Wednesday morning we had sorted things out to the extent that I could leave, so I drove back to Portland with a car full of tobacco contaminated paintings and books, double-wrapped in 2 mil giant plastic bags. (Soon I will be an expert at cleaning tobacco tar off of oil paintings!) If there is an afterlife, I sure hope Mom heard me yelling at her, all the way through Iowa and parts of Nebraska, Wyoming, Utah, Idaho, Oregon. It was very therapeutic, I'm sure, and also very good I was traveling alone.

We live in an absolutely breathtakingly beautiful country! If you ever get the chance to drive across it, do it! You will be amazed and delighted. My only 2 complaints about driving are that it is not considered an emergency stop to get out every 5 miles and take pictures, and that the vast majority of rest stops on I-80 and I-84 have 2-way mirrors!!! Their surveillance cameras now have great shots of me, flipping them off and throwing water at them. I'm sure the excuse is "safety", but the camera behind the mirror will not save anyone from any crimes, only record the crimes for later viewing. Grrrrrr! I hope they enjoyed watching me brush my teeth.

I decided at the last minute NOT to take my beadwork, after all. This was the right decision, it turned out. I would never have actually had the energy to work on anything there. I got in a very small amount of knitting, though, and that did wonders for my sanity. Of course, this leaves me to finish up July, start August, and maybe even get into September, as the Summer draws to a close. I'm truly inspired to jump back in, and will do so soon, once I catch up with a little paying work.

It was an amazing, sad, aggravating, scary, and wonderful trip. I am so glad that I was able to spend this last time with Mom. I do love her very much, even though her actions in life were truly crazy-making. I guess all parent/child relationships have their complications. We had to borrow against the unsold house to make the drive possible, but I have no real regrets, and there would have been a great many if I had stayed here.

The Story So Far...

2007-08-02T18:27:00.001-07:00

Here is more progress on the July page. There is so much drama and so many complications going on in my life right now, that I haven't been doing as much as I like. At the same time, I am very happy to work with the beads and sequins at this time. It really helps me keep my feet on the ground! It seems as though, the more out of control and weird my life gets, the more orderly my beadwork becomes.

I don't know when I'll be able to post next, as I'm about to take off on a cross-country drive to the Chicago suburbs to see my mom and see if I can be of help in straightening out a huge ball of family junk. Mom's terminal with emphysema, and there are a lot of complications about money, aid eligibility and the like. On top of that are adult step-children who seem to think they can get a lot of money by getting ahold of the house (which is NOT valuable--it's falling down, literally) and whatever else is lying around. There is one step-child who is with Mom and has been taking care of her. As far as I am concerned, if there is anything worth anything after all this is over, it should be his, and my main purpose of taking this trip, besides being with my mother, is to help him.

I'm driving because there is a large painting by my father I need to bring back with me, and also driving will allow me to pack some knitting, my beadwork (!!!) and my little ukulele. All of these will help keep me sane. Also, this is a chance for me to see our beautiful country. I hope that nothing happens in the next two days which will make it necessary for me to fly instead. I'll no doubt finish up July and maybe even start August while I'm gone, but I may not have access to a scanner, so y'all may not hear much from me for three or four weeks.

As for my selling my house adventure... well, nobody is buying our house, so I don't know what's next with that. That's something to be concerned about later.

July - Part 2

2007-07-28T15:52:00.000-07:00

I've made a little more progress, though not as much as I'd hoped. Life and The Simpsons Movie sort of jumped in my way. The sequins just won't photograph properly-- they are a bright red-violet with little hologram highlights. The rest of the colors are pretty close to reality, though. I wonder where it will take me next?

July Page Started At Last

2007-07-25T20:53:00.001-07:00

Here is the beginning of my July page. By now, there is less hubbub around the house, since we're no longer the new house that everyone has to see, so I have been able to get some beading done. Of course, all this has come in between reading the Harry Potter book! :-) I'm going for a more designy feel on this one, just letting it grow as it will.

Well, Maybe I Wasn't Really Finished...!

2007-07-07T00:30:00.000-07:00

I woke up Thursday at 6am (having gone to bed at 2...), with a great idea to straighten out my diagonal lines. It worked, though took quite a bit of trial and error. Then a cat came along and wanted to be included... Anyway, this is the final version of my June page. It explains why I was having such a hard time starting July.

Finished

2007-07-02T00:33:00.000-07:00

Here's the bead and sequin jewelry piece I was working on, finally finished up. I decided to turn it into a pendant and added a peyote stitch bale big enough to accommodate chains and necklaces of various sizes and widths. The backing is black ultra leather, which sews pretty well and is easy to keep clean. I had a lot of fun making this, and it went quickly, so I'll probably make some more of this kind of thing in the near future.

In my immediate future -- start the July page!

July Research Day

2007-06-29T15:05:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow we are having a gardener come in to create order out of our helter-skelter lawn and overgrown back yard. This is all part of the plan to make our house even more wonderful looking, to attract buyers. I don't want to see all my lovely weeds cut back and so on, so I'm going to run away from home for the day and do some research for my July page. By "research," I mean looking at lots of pictures, art books, and galleries, and spending a lot of time in our beautiful main library downtown. I'm also going to go into the Button Emporium, which is very close to the library, and see if I can find one or two exceptional buttons to put onto the page (or maybe a future page...?). I know I said I didn't want to buy anything new for this project, but I have very, very few buttons of any kind, so I'm making an exception. I'm hoping that by the time I get back, all garden work will be done and I can just be in awe of my beautiful new yard. And ready to start my July page.

Not July Yet...

2007-06-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

I didn't want to stop beading. But I'm not ready to start July just yet, as there are so very many things to do first. So I put this together for a pin or pendant to wear to an event that I ended up not going to. My husband likes it this way, and I do too, though I also like it sideways, with the green beads on top. So I don't know exactly how it will end up. I'll finish up either late tonight or sometime tomorrow when it's too hot to do anything else. it looks kind of simple this close up, but it's designed to look better from a distance. Also... sequins do not scan well at all I found out.

Done!

2007-06-20T23:33:00.001-07:00

I'm essentially finished with my June page! It's different for me, for sure, but I guess it was time for a change.

It symbolizes, for me, growth, change, movement, beginnings, the sudden appearance of miracles or disasters (different sides of the same coin...), mysteries. I really have a lot to think about now! Overall, though it feels like a very optimistic piece.

I've no idea what to do for the July page, but I think I'll just put on a bead I love and go from there.

2007-06-20T23:33:00.000-07:00

2007-06-18T16:57:00.000-07:00

So, I'm starting to close in on the end. How did that happen? I'm now reluctant to pick it up-- I don't want it to be over! Of course, I can always start July, or work out a journal cover... I didn't think I would be this close to finishing so soon, though. There are still days left in the month.

Page 1 - Part 3

2007-06-10T14:18:00.000-07:00

I was able to pick up a little faster than I thought, and added some art deco water. But then our power went out, and I found that beading in the dark is not so easy...! I may even finish this week, though probably I'm getting way ahead of myself. I do know I won't be working on this much today. We live unfortunately close to the local raceway, and there are big noisy cars running around in circles about a mile from here. They are LOUD!!!!! My husband and I are going to run away to find a quieter neighborhood where, hopefully, houses will be for sale in our price range. We do not want to settle close to the raceway again!

BJP Page 1 - Part 2(?)

2007-06-07T00:38:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am. It's very easy to bead myself into a corner, and I'm doing just that. I get to a point where I could logically stop, yet there are also dozens of possibilities where the piece could go on-- where it wants to go, maybe. Will I stop at the vertical line I've drawn, or keep going? I don't know if I want to keep the blue line around the left side. Among other things. So it's time to put it aside, and not look at it for a day or so. The indecision will resolve, and I'll know where to go next.

Earlier This Year...

2007-06-05T21:47:00.000-07:00

Here's an example of how my work usually looks. It's called The Cradle of Stars, based on deep sky photographs from the Hubble Telescope. I'm usually going all over the place, with swirls, spirals, many colors, lots of movement. This is the last beaded piece I did before the BJP, I think I completed it sometime in January. Again, it is inexpertly scanned. One of the things I'll be getting better at over this year will be scanning--I hope. Of course, now that I've posted this, I can't cheat and pretend I did it for one of the upcoming months. D'oh!

Work In Progress - First Page, Pt. 1

2007-06-05T19:04:00.001-07:00

Here's the first part of my first page, inexpertly scanned. Oddly, though my life is presently out of control in many, many directions, this is the most quiet and well-mannered piece I have ever done. I'm not sure what that's about, but it's interesting.

I started out with the green spiral bead, and it grew from that. I'm not sure whether it will stop at the left-hand curl, or keep growing out toward my thread border. I'm thinking to set a page size, and then mount the beadwork on that, so that the "live" beaded areas can vary a little in size within that framework. That way I don't have to be completely consistent as to image size, just in case the image wants to be larger or smaller.

It has been very calming and sane-making to stop and bead a few minutes every so often, and so far I'm making good progress. We'll see how it goes as things get more intense on the house front...